Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
