All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
