I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
