I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
you will always have a special place in my vag
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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