He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
