Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
