I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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