at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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