I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize