Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
