I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
So much rum. So many feels.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize