martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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