if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You are the jesus of drinking
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
