Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
