Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
