Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
