Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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