she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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