Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
