I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
wrigley field is MILF paradise
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
