You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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