Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize