I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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