Is it because I queefed?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
