From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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