Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
