When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize