When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
