I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
