So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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