i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
