My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Drake has all the answers
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize