my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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