aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize