Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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