I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
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