Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
