I met the friendliest cop last night
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
God, you're like boner-b-gone
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
