I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
