walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
