I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
