I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
i need some magic done to my vagina
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
