90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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