Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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