im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
