so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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