my sisters under your porch take her home
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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