We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
