i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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