Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
