3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
