Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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