I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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