i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
