Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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