No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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