I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
