so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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