Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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