mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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