hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
