Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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